Stop Trying

A couple of years ago my writing mentor prompted me to question the relationship I’d had with the word trying.

‘You really need to stop trying so hard,’ she said. ‘Let the words come to you without trying to make them perfect.’

She took a deep breath before resting her head in her palm. Was she giving up on me? How was I ever going to write my book? I rocked from one butt cheek to the other. Clutching my pendant before letting out an inappropriate giggle.

I didn’t want to face it. Trying had been my friend. Striving to achieve goals is admirable, and not giving up, requires resilience and commitment. ‘As long as you tried,’ and ‘keep trying,’ are familiar and encouraging phrases, but I was looking at the word from the same obtuse angle, so I had become immune to the truth. I thought about my mentor’s advice, eventually acknowledging the other kind of trying which had become a theme of my life. Trying had also been my enemy.

I’m guilty of trying way too hard to maintain the perfect version of myself. Wearing a mask for the benefit of others. Trying to impress, trying to be liked and trying to avoid confrontation. Aaargh… It’s not only exhausting, it’s also inauthentic when the focus is outside rather than within.

At school I was known as ‘Little Miss Perfect,’ and had the song Perfect by Fairground Attraction plastered beside my name in the high school year book. I smiled the first time I turned to that page. I felt protected from external criticism and judgement, but I was yet to learn that a perfectionist’s harshest critic is oneself.

I spent fifteen years in relationships trying to make them work. Trying to change men into who I needed them to be instead of accepting who they were, or moving on. Trying to be in control and trying to avoid failure by pretending I was happy.

Trying to do anything is merely a grand intention. ‘I’m going to try to eat the right foods,’ has different energy to ‘I’m going to eat the right foods.’ Trying is an empty shout-out to the world announcing how disciplined I am going to be, so onlookers are impressed even if I don’t follow through with my promise.

‘Oh well… at least I tried,’ I’ve said while consuming an entire block of chocolate that I was going to try not to eat.

When we try to do anything, we may as well accept in advance that we are probably not going to do it. Just like when you are going to try to make it to an event. Let’s be real. It’s a soft way of letting others down when we don’t have the confidence to say ‘no.’ I was determined to eliminate these pointless kinds of trying from my life.

During the writing of my memoir, ‘Where Have I Been All My Life?’ the motto: Stop Trying — Start Being, bubbled to the surface. I realised I’d spent too long being a try-er instead of a be-er. Admitting our shortfalls is the first step forward. I envisaged a better life. I had to think differently to make way for growth and improvement, so I created a four-step guide that helped me to stop trying.

S = SURRENDER control

T = TRUST the universe

O = OPEN your heart

P = PLEASE yourself

SURRENDER control of the uncontrollable — Thinking I could direct outcomes had me running in circles. The times I felt in charge of my life, I was either delusional, or playing small, giving me a false sense of security. It’s not until I experienced real suffering, that I understood I never had any control.

TRUST the universe and that things are happening for you, not to you — Every challenge I faced was not for punishment or hardship. Each experience prepared me for the next steps and accelerated my personal growth.

OPEN your heart and be vulnerable — I replaced competition with connection which resulted in me relating more genuinely to others.

PLEASE yourself instead of living up to other people’s expectations and conditioning — By seeking others approval, I was denying myself love.

At the core of trying to be anyone other than who we were born to be, is the view we have of our self. If we could just accept and love who we are, we wouldn’t need to try… we could just be. Sometimes I regress, but every time I catch myself using the word try, I check that it’s the friendly kind. Then I take a deep breath and unashamedly exist in the present moment, as me.

Sending you strength to… Stop Trying — Start Being